To some it seems like changes in people's lives occur suddenly, when in truth the very same people have been quietly making small but monumentally important decisions over long periods of time.
I mean months and months and years, sleepless nights, and the longest days ever... Wondering, worrying, and pondering over and over again, "What exactly DO I believe? Why am I here and how much longer should I stay?" and all those other questions that we all used to procrastinate looking for answers to. Maybe it was easier just to wrap things up in bundles of "faith". It hurts my pride to say it now but I had all kinds of questions on dusty shelves that I couldn't say were wrapped in much at all.
People who thought they knew me approach me, and are unfailingly shocked to hear about what I am doing with my life now.
I have said and done a lot over the years because the expectations of others had become my own expectations of myself. I pushed myself to the limit of everything I thought I really should and needed to be. So naturally that make-believe person is what my friends and acquaintances saw (And of course what some saw through).
I spent a lot of time being overly proud of the angelic person that I thought was my real self. Equally or more so unecessary were the times I spent mourning the failure that I found was me, after tripping over my false fronts and falling flat down on my face again and again and again.
I'm glad I can be honest with myself now. I think that is what will always count and mean the most to me and probably even to many others whom I really do want and need to be myself for. My boyfriend, my family and the people I call my friends.
I used to keep these people unaware of what was happening in my heart because I kept answering "How are you?" with "Great" when I could've had a completely open conversation, and we all might have known each other a lot better then.
I'm talking about honesty with myself and others about my fears, beliefs and unbeliefs. The things that bother me and the things I would rather not do. My weaknesses and my strengths.
So now, when I feel lost I'll say that I do. Maybe someone will come and find me.
The times I don't know something, I will say I don't know. Maybe the one I'm talking to will have an answer. And just because I don't have much faith at all I feel more strong today than ever. Like I'm truly starting from scratch, and whatever I write on this blank page is hopefully going to be real.
I guess all our destinations are unknown but that is like the difference between a fairy tale and a really good novel. Give me unexpected. It's more exciting anyway.
3 comments:
I love this, & can totally relate, Cherish.
I think our idea of "wrapping things up in a bundle of faith" translated more into (at least for me) ignoring the difficult or disturbing questions, & acting as if we didn't hv any. But I hv a sense that God wants us to lay it all out on the table, as opposed to shelving it away, b/c as vulnerable as that makes us, it puts us in a position to discover just how much we are loved by Him.
After all, it's the ppl to whom we confide what's happening in our hearts, with whom we hv the deepest & richest relationships. We know they love us b/c of how they accept & embrace us, while knowing things about us that we're not particularly proud of or comfortable w/.
I'm so glad that u included family in the ppl that u want & nd to be yourself for; I've been wishing I knew my sisters better, but haven't been sure they wanted me to! It takes a lot of courage to be real w/ ppl like that, and u r 1 brave girl that I'm looking fwd to getting to know (& be known by) for real.
Call or write! I love u.
Hey Nin, thanks so much for that.
We should definitely hang out sometime and have talks. Since I moved out there were only so many close-to-long conversations we had and that makes it obvious how little I've gone out of my way to communicate with my big sis!
OF COURSE I included my family in the people I want to be myself with. I highly doubt that there is anyone who understands me better than my family does, and when I start seeing that the people in my family becoming distant, it's a very bad sign!!
I'm seeing more and more that it's important to hang on to the people who mean most to you, and to TREAT them the way that they MEAN to you...
All that to say! We should have Gusto drink bar night sometime!!!
Love you Nin! xoxo
Well, u know how it is: when we haven't had some gd heart-sharing for awhile, it gets awkward & we don't know where we stand in communication w/ each other. Then we get into new friendships/relationships & sometimes while we're enjoying finally being able to confide in some1 again, we don't think of restoring the other relationships of close communication, b/c our own nd in the moment is met, & we're not even sure whether our fam members/old friends/confidants r up for restoring communication on their end, so we're apt to leave them be. (And man, I hv serious trouble keeping my sentences short. :P)
I concur w/ the Gusto drink bar night, Cheri! At least right now, my schedule is more flexible than yours, so it's your call what night is gd - altho' of course, the more advance notice, the better.
Call or write! Call or write! I love u.
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